


You Don't Have to be Crazy to Work Here, But it Helps

by dvs



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Cliche, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-04
Updated: 2010-02-04
Packaged: 2017-10-07 00:57:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvs/pseuds/dvs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A guidebook to survival in Pegasus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don't Have to be Crazy to Work Here, But it Helps

**Author's Note:**

> A birthday present for Chelle.

** _ One out of every ten planets requests some kind of sex ritual as a show of friendship – we never really figured out why. - Colonel Sheppard _ **

“No! Forget it! This is insane,” Rodney said, folding his arms and taking a solid stance, facing down the door that just shut in his face. “You can close the door all you like, but I am not having sex just because you couldn't bother inventing porn! God! Every planet! And why aren't you saying any-?”

Rodney turned and stared at John. The man was sitting there, bouncing up and down on the bed, looking impressed with the quality of bounce. He stopped as though he could feel Rodney watching and looked up. His eyes shifted, like he had been caught out.

“What?” John asked with a shrug.

“Who the hell let you into the Air Force?” Rodney asked. “And is that even a regulation haircut?”

John rolled his eyes. “I don't see the problem, Rodney. It's not like this hasn't happened before. Hey, remember that planet where they wanted us to do it in front of everyone and Ronon was shouting instructions?”

“We agreed never to talked about that,” Rodney pointed accusingly at John.

John held up his hands. “Okay, fine. What about that time we got thrown into that orgy? Hey, remember how happy Elizabeth was when we brought home all that fruit?”

“Oh yes, Ms. Moral Reasoning is happy enough to whore off her most important people...” Rodney gave John an irritated look. “well, person, for a fruit salad, but if I happen to _borrow_ a ZPM from brat planet it's like someone stole Christmas. There's just no justice in the universe.”

Rodney sagged, tired, disappointed and a little hungry. He all but fell on the edge of the bed and sighed. “Why can't someone else have embarrassing public sex for a change? Why is it always us?”

John scooted down to Rodney's side and patted his back. “I dunno. People are strange.”

Rodney looked up at John who had the stupidest consoling smile ever. “Oh, I think I know exactly why it happens to us and not Ronon and Teyla. It's you! They see Major-”

“Colonel.”

“Colonel Easy - Get My Pants Off Now and they just know they're going to get the best peep show ever!” Rodney complained.

“Can I ask you a question?” John asked, now looking a little annoyed himself. “At any point, did having sex with me become a chore? A punishment?”

Rodney sulked. “No.”

“So, what's with the hysterics? We're guys! Remember what Teyla said that time we were on that planet where they threw us in a pit of mud, naked, because we thought that monument looked like a penis? And then we laughed at the briefing?”

Rodney remembered well and nodded. “You men have no shame.”

John smiled serenely. “Exactly. I say we give them a good show.”

Rodney pointed at John. “But next time, we totally freak out.”

John nodded and held up a hand in promise. “You have my word.”

Rodney nodded. Then he threw himself at John, getting a surprised huff of laughter from the other man as they both fell back on the bed.

** _ Every week in Atlantis, someone loses their memory and it's usually a member of the senior staff – we think this may be a ploy to get more time off. - Dr. Beckett _ **

“You don't remember anything?” John asked flatly.

Rodney looked around the infirmary. “Apparently. Is that nurse seeing anyone? Because she is_ hot_!”

“Yes, she is,” John lied.

"Hot or seeing someone?" Rodney asked.

John glanced at the nurse. "Both."

“Oh, pity.” Rodney looked up at John, grinning. “Oh, I think I remember something.”

John smiled. “Really?”

“Yeah, I think I have a thing for blondes,” Rodney said with a nod.

John turned to Carson as he walked up to the bed, file in hand and eyes on notes. “Hey, Doc, you think if I smacked him on the head he might get his memory back?”

Carson looked at both men, shook his head and left the way he had come.

“I think he's having a bad day,” Rodney said with a frown. “So, this has happened before?”

John nodded. “Oh yeah. We've all lost our memory at some point. You do it a lot because you're always touching stuff in the city you're not supposed to.”

“Really? Because that seems like something you would do.”

John shifted, sniffing. “No. Anyway, you don't even remember.”

Rodney felt around the back of his head. “Why does my head hurt if it was because I touched something? I mean, my hand feels fine.”

John felt his cheeks warm and felt completely ridiculous. “Well, I guess we won't know unless you get your memory back.”

Rodney was watching John closely, like he suspected foul play. “So, who are you again?”

“Colonel Sheppard,” John said tightly.

“And you're...what? My bodyguard or something?”

John rolled his eyes. “No.”

“So, quit hanging around. I'll never get a chance to impress these nurses if you're stuck to my bed like a...you know, great big sticking thing.”

John held back the urge to really smack that guy and instead stiffened his posture, putting his hands behind his back where they couldn't strangle Rodney. “Trust me, Rodney. That ship has sailed. There's not a single person in this place you haven't pissed off at some point. See that nurse? You asked her if she was related to the Scarecrow.”

Rodney looked at the nurse who was smiling at another patient. “Really? What did she say?”

John shrugged. “She asked you if you were related to the Tin Man.”

Rodney snorted. “Oh, yeah. Great comeback.”

“So, unfortunately, my leaving makes no difference at all,” John said smugly. Rodney moved his gaze to John, openly looking him up and down as though he was taking in the sights. John eyed him suspiciously. “What?”

Rodney shrugged. “I wouldn't say it would make _no_ difference.”

“Oh?” John asked with a raised eyebrow.

“You know what else I just remembered?” Rodney asked with a smile.

“What?”

“You're pretty hot when you're jealous.”

John glared. “I see you didn't forget how to be an asshole.”

** _ Nine out of ten machines built by the Ancients seem to be specifically designed to impregnate men – it's what happens when you let women practice science. - Dr. McKay. _ **

“This is not funny, Elizabeth!” Rodney almost screeched,

Elizabeth clamped her mouth shut and nodded. “I know. I'm sorry.”

“It's ridiculous! Ten male pregnancies in the last year and a half! The SGC never had to build a crèche!”

“Rodney, calm down. You're not doing the baby any good,” Carson said soothingly.

Rodney glared across the briefing room at the doctor. “I don't think you get the severity of the situation.”

“As I recall, Rodney, you thought it was all very interesting when other male members of this expedition had babies,” Elizabeth reasoned.

“That was until we got knocked up!” he snapped.

All faces turned to John who sat calmly, arms folds across chest.

“How are you taking this?” Elizabeth asked him.

John shrugged. “Pegasus. What can you do?”

“Yes, spoken like a true imbecile,” Rodney said, dropping into the seat next to John. He looked across at Ronon who sat next to Teyla, munching on a carrot. “Why the hell are you so calm?”

Ronon shrugged. “I like kids.”

Elizabeth, Teyla and Carson smiled.

Ronon nodded. “I'm hoping it's a boy.”

“Hey, me too,” John said, pointing at Ronon.

“Yes, and we'll have little league and sleep overs,” Rodney groused. “Newsflash! We're men! Men do not have babies. It's the greatest thing about being a man. You have sex, you don't get pregnant!”

John turned to Rodney with a sly smile and whispered. “I'm pretty sure you weren't going to get pregnant with the kind of sex you were having, Rodney.”

Teyla was shaking her head at the other side of the room. “You men have no shame.”

** _ The rumor is that that the Atlantis teams frequently encounter cultures that think nothing of using narcotics on their guests as part of their welcoming customs. The interesting thing is that none of the teams have confirmed this yet. One can only imagine why. - Colonel Caldwell _ **

Rodney and John stumbled into the hut, falling in a heap on top of a mattress layered with blankets and cushions.

John groaned, Rodney lying on top of him like a dead weight. The room was tilting, looking full of weird lights and colors. John blinked a few times, but things just kept on being colorful and swirly.

“I think we're high,” Rodney mumbled into John's neck.

John involuntarily moved up slowly against the other man, an odd sensation travelling from his neck to his toes.

“How the hell does this keep happening?” Rodney slurred, his tongue flicking out and touching John's skin.

John swallowed hard, his clothes feeling scratchy and heated. “God, I'm so hot,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and scowling.

He felt Rodney move up slightly, going still. When he opened his eyes, Rodney was drunkenly staring at John, and a moment later, kissing him, sloppy, hard and heavy as John tried to grab at Rodney with numbing fingers.

Rodney was kissing down his neck and throat, slow and lazy as John closed his eyes and muttered, “Seriously, I'm really hot.”

“Yes you are,” Rodney said, pushing up John's shirt and licking across John's nipple, mouthing and scraping his teeth across it.

John squirmed under the mouth, which was uncoordinated, but doing everything right. As Rodney continued to kiss, lick and bite, John tried to struggle out of his jacket, getting a helping hand from Rodney to get his shirt off. He grabbed at Rodney and pulled him up for a kiss, and they sat on their knees, their mouths open and plastered against each other.

“Oh god, they know, they all know,” Rodney said, his wet lips moving against Johns, his hands getting John's pants open. “They all know.”

“Know what?” John mumbled.

“I have no idea what I'm talking about,” Rodney whisper-kissed.

John just kept his eyes closed, giving into the electric sparks of sensation everywhere that were blowing bubbles of color in front of his eyes. He fumbled open Rodney's pants and began to pull at the boxers, but Rodney pushed his hand away.

“No no no, not like this,” Rodney mumbled and pulled on John as he fell back on the mattress, hooking one leg around John's.

Half naked and on a lush pile of soft animal-skin blankets, John almost moaned at the feeling of the softness where his hands took fistfuls of the fabric. He gripped hard as he moved over Rodney, both of them hard and hot, engulfed in a sea of sensation. Under John, Rodney had his eyes shut, a satisfied smile on his face as he moved up against John in perfect time.

John kissed Rodney with every slide, with every thrust, feeling as though his skin was going to disappear from his body, atom by atom in a rush of pins and needles. He gasped when Rodney's arm tightened around his waist, bringing him closer, letting their bodies slide together, skin on skin, skin on fabric, skin on fire.

“Oh, _fuck_,” Rodney gasped, scowling and tensing as he came, while John continued moving against him, right in the slickness between them, sliding and sliding and sliding and...

He fell hard. His arms gave and he fell, his chest against Rodney's, his chin somewhere to the side of Rodney's head and the blankets still clutched hard in his heated hands.

He lay there, sweaty, still too hot and engulfed in a light show, when Rodney's hand stroked him from back to ass, grounding him enough to let him lift his head and look down at bright blinking eyes.

“I think they gave us the really good stuff this time,” Rodney mumbled.

“I think I've got the munchies,” John said, before falling back down.

** _ It is hard working with a gorilla for many people, but I have been accustomed to it for a very long time. - Dr. Zelenka _ **

Elizabeth watched with fascination as the gorilla attacked the cage bars, pulling hard and shaking the whole thing. He then came up right to the bars and scowled at Elizabeth, waving a finger, arms flailing as he made undecipherable noises.

“Dr. McKay's right,” Lorne said from beside Elizabeth. “This is one fucked up galaxy.”

Elizabeth stared at Lorne.

“Sorry,” Lorne said. “This is one fucked up galaxy, Ma'am.”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and shook her head. Then she turned back to the hyper gorilla. “Rodney? Rodney, calm down. We can't understand what you're saying.”

The gorilla grabbed the bars and smacked his head against them.

“The Colonel seems to be taking it well,” Lorne said.

Elizabeth looked at the back of the cage where another gorilla sat, with oddly shaped hair on his head. He was sitting against the bars, just staring, reaching out to catch something buzzing around him.

“Colonel?” Elizabeth called. “How are you doing?”

John looked at Rodney who had gone to pacing on all fours and presumably mumbling to himself. John looked back at Elizabeth and shrugged.

“I know he's a laid back guy, but seriously? This is just ridiculous,” Lorne said.

Carson arrived by the cage and took a look at the inhabitants. “How are they?”

“Pretty much the same as usual,” Elizabeth said. “Which frankly scares me.”

Rodney caught sight of Carson and rushed to the side, his arm coming through the bars and reaching for the doctor.

“Whoa, what did you do, Doc?” Lorne asked.

Carson stared at the gorilla. “Nothing. That was totally unprovoked. So obviously Rodney hasn't changed much.”

Rodney's hairy gorilla arm was stretching through the bars, still reaching for Carson, while in the background, John seemed to be patting his hair down, with no success.

“Wait a second, Carson, I think I know what he wants.” Elizabeth said, reaching for a pen from the doctor's pocket.

She held it out to Rodney. Rodney took the pen and stared at it. Then he looked at them and somehow the gorilla face held that McKay look, the one that was reserved for the dumbest animals in the universe.

Elizabeth smiled. “I don't suppose either of you have paper, do you?”

Carson shook his head, while Lorne rummaged through his pockets and found a paper napkin. He held it out to Rodney, who stared at the item.

“What? It's clean,” Lorne said, a tad offended.

Rodney snatched the napkin, sat down on the floor, smoothed it out and then clumsily scribbled something, his inability to guide the pen apparent. Then he threw the napkin through the bars.

“Well, his social skills seemed to have improved,” Carson said.

Elizabeth picked up the napkin and read the instructions. “Oh. My. Someone's pretty angry.”

Lorne read the note and gave Rodney an unimpressed look. “You use words like that in front of a lady? Real nice.”

** _ Was it weird when Colonel Sheppard swapped bodies with Teyla? Well, it's not the weirdest thing that's happened in Atlantis – Major Lorne. _ **

Rodney watched from the window seat as John spun the staffs through his hands, turning in the middle of the room and slicing at an invisible opponent. Only, he stumbled a few times and looked a little clumsy. The skirt was nice though.

“I guess having her body doesn't automatically give you her ability,” Rodney said, his words sounding unsettling coming from Ronon's mouth.

John stopped and nodded. “Yeah. This is so weird.”

Rodney stood up, dizzied by how much taller than Teyla – John, how much taller than John he was. How much stronger he was.

John stepped back and frowned. “Stop staring at me. You're freaking me out.”

“You know, it occurs to me that we should probably make the most of this experience,” Rodney said moving towards John.

John backed away, suspicious scowl on his face. Eventually backed up against the wall, he looked up at Rodney and narrowed his eyes. “Forget it. We're not having sex in someone else's bodies.”

“Why not? What do you think they're doing right now?” Rodney asked, thumping his hand on the wall and leaning there, blocking John's path. “Don't tell me you're not curious at all.”

John's eyes turned to the curve of muscle on Ronon's arms and travelled all the way up to meet Rodney's eyes. “I'm not sure I want to mess around with the body of a woman who can kick my ass.”

Rodney smiled and leaned down for a kiss, the staffs slipping from John's hands even before their lips met.

The doors suddenly slid open and two figures fell to the floor, one straddling the other. Rodney stared at his body, lying on its back with John's body on top, kissing hungrily and eliciting moans from the man below.

John cleared his throat and the two figures on the floor looked up. Teyla had the audacity to look slightly embarrassed, flashing one of John's smiles as she greeted them with a, "Colonel Sheppard. Dr. McKay."

Ronon simply raised an eyebrow from where he lay. “What? Like you don't want to?”

John looked rather sanctimonious when he eyed Teyla and told her, “You men have no shame.”

** _ In such a big galaxy, I suppose being stranded now and then is quite plausible. Yes, even more than once. - Teyla Emmagen. _ **

John stepped up to the edge of the huge rock he had just scaled and looked down at the glimmering pool of water. “Cool.”

“I'm beginning to think you were mountain goat in your last life,” Rodney said, appearing by John's side, slightly red and out of breath. “Oh, wow. Nice view. Can we go back now?”

John gave Rodney an impatient look. “Come on, Rodney. Take in the sights for a moment.”

“We've been here one week. I'm getting sick of the sights,” Rodney said, somewhat miserably.

John grabbed Rodney's wrist and pulled him close, wiping away the mid-morning annoyances with a long kiss, their stubbled faces scratching at each other.

“I'm sure your signal got through,” John said when he pulled away. “Any minute now we'll be getting our asses rescued. Until then, I think we should call this a vacation.”

“A vacation where your laptop battery runs out and you can't access all your illegal downloads is not a vacation. It's called prison,” Rodney said glumly.

“Quit your complaining, McKay,” John said, peeling off his T-shirt. “You're still getting your conjugal visits aren't you?”

Rodney brightened. “That time of day already?”

John shook his head and slipped out of his shoes and pants too. Rodney watched him with a scowl as he dropped his boxers too and took a small step back.

“Oh, you can't be serious,” Rodney said.

John nodded with a smile. “Come on, try it.”

“No way! You might be sick of your life, but I still have my brain to live for,” Rodney said.

John shrugged. “Okay. See you in a few minutes then. Oh, and could you bring my clothes down?”

Rodney stared. “Seriously, I'd rather you didn't do this. I don't want to be stuck here with your corpse. You're much more useful alive.”

“Thank you. That's very touching,” John said, before quickly bumping Rodney's mouth with a quick kiss and stepping back to the edge.

He stretched up as Rodney stared and mumbled, “Oh shit.”

John bent his knees and propelled himself backwards into a somersault before flying down towards the water and crashing through the cool surface. There was a moment of shocked cold and pushing back up before he swam back to the surface. John looked up as he smoothed his hair back.

Rodney's head was sticking over the edge of the rock John had just jumped from.

John grinned as Rodney shouted down at him, “You sick, sick bastard!”

** _Slow days? Sure. We have those. – Ronon Dex_ **

John was lying very still and in a deep sleep. He looked as exhausted as Rodney felt, his face still showing scratches and grazes earned in the last off-world encounter.

He was so deep in sleep that Rodney felt compelled to put his hand against John's chest, over the warm material of his T-shirt, and wait for a heartbeat.

There it was. Loud and clear.

John made a small noise before jerking awake and fixing Rodney with a confused look.

“Hey,” he said hoarsely. “What time is it?”

Rodney shook his head. “You just got here. You've only been asleep a few minutes. Sorry I woke you.”

John nodded and closed his eyes and Rodney moved closer on the small bed, making himself a littler higher than John, inserting his arm under the other man's neck. John's eyes remained closed, but he shifted a little closer.

When they were settled, Rodney could feel every breath being exhaled against his throat, warm and alive.

“You okay?” John mumbled sleepily.

Rodney nodded, his chin being tickled by John's hair. “Yeah. You?”

“I'm okay,” John said, sounding on the edge of sleep. “Wake me when it's time.”

“Okay,” Rodney whispered.

John pulled back all of a sudden and Rodney loosened his grip on the other man, staring in confusion.

“Unless you want to fool around,” John said with a wicked gleam in his eyes, one of which was still a little bloodshot.

Rodney grinned. “Sure, why not?”

Another night ended in warm kisses and whispers.

**\- the end -**


End file.
